Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Why I don't prefer men (as massage therapy clients)

It seems I have been having two types of clients lately - massage therapy virgins (those who are seeing me for their first massage ever) and men.  Often, they fall into both categories.  As I was massaging a male client last night I was thinking about these two things and thinking about why I prefer women clients, ie: why I don't prefer men clients.  Here goes the list:
  1. Men are, by nature, hairier than women.  I have yet to have a woman hairier than any man.  Recently, I had one guy whose arms were so hairy, and not just quantity of hair but LENGTH of hair, that I had to hold down the hair with one thumb and massage with my other hand to keep the hair from getting tangled in my fingers.  Another guy, if it had been closer to Halloween, I would have guessed was wearing his Saskwatch costume.  It's okay, you can go vomit now.  I'll wait.
  2. Men are not as complimentary as women.  Last night a female client told me "That was the best massage I have ever received."  Men say things like, "I feel better," or "My arm still hurts."  Thanks, asshole.
  3. Men tend not to cover up enough for my comfort.  I don't like looking at man boobs or nipples (usually hairy, of course).  I don't like that they stand in the treatment room and talk on the phone in their undies without saying "I'm not ready yet" when I knock on the door.  I had a male client who didn't even bother to cover his undies area.  I walked in and said, "Aren't you cold?" and pulled the sheet and blanket up to his neck.
  4. Many men have gross feet.  Ok, some women can fall into that category, too.  Don't even get me started on men's toenails.  GAG.
  5. Men's physical build is just more dense, muscular and takes up more space.  A lot of the men that come into our clinic are very health conscious and work out.  When one has a lot of dense musculature, it is a much more difficult massage for me.  Especially when they want a deep tissue massage and that is not really my strong point.  Because I am a wimp.
  6. Men mostly only want to go to women therapists.  I think it's all because of that Seinfeld episode when George got a massage by a male therapist and "it moved."  Really, for those men who fall into #5 and want deep tissue, their best bet is to get over their homophobic tendencies about being rubbed down by a man and go to a man therapist.  They are STRONG.
  7. Men ask stupid questions like, "Doesn't your husband mind that you do this?"  Hello?  I'm not giving happy endings here.  In fact, as far as my husband and I are concerned, I am providing you a medical service, mister, and if you think it's anything other than that, you can just leave!  People, check out the empirical evidence that regular massage therapy can lower drug amounts needed to treat patients with diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis, anxiety/depression and more.  Then do what you can to get your insurance companies to start covering massage therapy instead of pumping society full of drugs when there are other, healthier options!
  8. Men tend to have more skin issues.  Things like ingrown hairs on their backs, pimply skin and other weird rashes.  I had a client who had some nasty rash around his hairline on his neck.  I thought it was some kind of hair clips for a wig/toupee but when he turned over and put his face in the facerest, I saw it was some disgusting shit.  I think I bathed, repeatedly, in Purell for the rest of that massage and even the rest of the day.  Oh, and it just so happens this was also the guy who was in the Saskwatch costume.  Pause for more vomiting.
There you have it.  I'm sure I can think of more reasons, and I probably did last night.  But since I was in the middle of massages, I couldn't take notes.  I don't think my clients would be very happy about that.


  1. EEEWWWWWW! I don't blame you! I've had less than a handful of massages in my life and always wondering about hwo you guys felt!

  2. OK, I totally had to skip over most of #8. Thanks for killing my snacking appetite.

    "happy endings" - bwwahaahaahaa!

  3. That's just gross! I don't think I could do it lol

  4. My hubby would love a professional massage someday--I'll have to remember to wax his back before he goes, lol!

  5. # 7 ... hahaha!!! hilarious. do you wear a black teddy while you rub? men can be pretty idiotic.

    i have to admit, my husband's feet leave a LOT to be desired. i took him for a pedicure once, and i felt so bad for the lady working on his feet. she did the best she could...

  6. "Men are, by nature, hairier than women"

    Gorillas are, by nature, hairier than men. So you've got it pretty good. Gorillas are also extremely complimentary when given a leaf to chew on, or if handed a ripe banana. And as for feet, skin issues, and all that, gorillas have a great diet and won't ask stupid questions. So what I'm really trying to say is you should open a new massage parlour, cater specifically for gorillas and women, and as long as you can overlook the hair it should work out just fine...

  7. Ugh, eew, ick, blech! Where's the mental bleach when you need it?

    You deserve a medal.

  8. Remind me to tell you my own massage story one day.

    It, too, ends with vomit, but I was the one paying!!

  9. yeah.. you had me at the hairy man and gross toenails part. I don't know how you do it, but I can almost guarantee you aren't paid NEARLY what you are worth.

    More power to you

  10. I've been sitting here for quite some time trying to come up with a suitable comment. But I am just utterly speechless. So many things are running through my head, and none of them are finding purchase right now!

  11. oh sweet jesus I need to send you some vodka. And razors. And those thin paper jackets that they make us wear when we are getting mammograms.

    and incense.

  12. I think you are woefully undercompensated, whatever you make, for dealing with that stuff. I'm constantly seeing people I wouldn't want breathing my air, let along having to touch them!

    You're right about the massage/medical thing. I know that I (and the rest of America) would feel better and need less drugs if we could get regular massages. Can you move to Maine? Today?

  13. I am not a massage therapist; nor do I pretend to be, but I have these same issues with men in general. gah. Now you can go vomit. Seriously after reading #1, I thought I would. vomit.

    I did not know about #7, the part about massage therapy in connection with helping with medical conditions. hmmm

  14. Thank you for putting this information out here. I am debating going to massage school and had questions about these exact things! I'm glad to know I'm not just weird for wondering about theor icky feet and hairy arms.

  15. Thank you for putting this information out here. I am debating going to massage school and had questions about these exact things! I'm glad to know I'm not just weird for wondering about theor icky feet and hairy arms.

  16. I am a out 5 x's a week...and only have hair on my head (shave my entire body). I prefer a lighter touch....and get longer massages (2 hours at a time) as a result to get out the kinks. I have always complimented my therapist when the massage warrants my doing so...and I am a generous tipper. I have probably had 5000+ massages to date....and there are plenty that I can say were poorly done. some women simply shouldn't massage men...I had a young female therapist in Costa Rica come in and stack six towels on my crotch....really? I was already covered