Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Tuesday's Tribute: Man noises

My husband is like a one man band in the mornings. First, it's the shower - farting, blowing his nose (yes, IN the shower), coughing and hacking while he uses his Neti Pot. I swear, it sounds like there are ten people in there with him. If all men are this noisy in the shower, I can't even imagine what a men's locker room shower must sound like. Or is it just my husband? Do the rest of you have husbands who sound like this or do they quietly shower each morning? Do they make noises that I have not already mentioned?

Then there's the kitchen in the morning. I am usually on the couch and I will get to that next. He measures and pours his coffee beans, which sounds like rolling marbles across a metal floor. Then he grinds them. Grind. Shake. Grind some more. Then he fills his coffee maker with water and generally fails to turn off the faucet to the point where it won't drip. DRIP. DRIP. DRIP.

I hinted about being on the couch. More often than not, I end up there. He is a noisy sleeper. The noises that emit from this man's orifices can be scary. He snores and/or makes this "puh, puh" noise, among other sound effects. I end up on the couch or if I am really tired, I just start out there so I don't have to make the move in the middle of the night. The result is at least I don't have to hear the one man shower band if I am on the couch in the morning and I just wake up to the one man kitchen band.

Don't get me wrong. I love my husband and I have more than learned to live with these sounds. In fact, I have come to enjoy expect them. When he is out of town, I actually miss it a little. I am so used to the cacophony of his one man band that it is just too quiet when he is away. I think he should start his own one man body band version of the Broadway show Stomp.

19 comments:

  1. You are not alone girlfriend. But I have found a solution. Earplugs! The waxy type that the swimmers use. My husband has to sllep with the TV on, and he snores. If I go to the couch, he gets pissed off. "Oh so you don't love me huh" YEAH that's exactly it! My sleep is more important to me than laying there tossing turning and jolting you all night.

    MEN!

    ReplyDelete
  2. LMAO...i think our husbands are related...not sawyer makes noises that makes me think someones in there with him...I'm just sayin a mans prolly gotta do what a mans prolly gotta do...
    ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Men are just GROSS creatures by nature!

    At least you didn't say that he farts in his sleep, thus forcing you to move to the couch just so you can breathe!

    Not that I would know ANYTHING about that....

    LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  4. My husband is a pretty quiet guy, but sometimes he makes this weird laugh/snort noise that makes me crazy. Just thinking about it right then made me roll my eyes, and he's nowhere near me!

    (I am now thinking I should run to town and get a Neti Pot, too...)

    ReplyDelete
  5. LOL! My husband is the worst offender! I actually get concerned if I miss one of his morning noises...they are that routine with him! Ugh!

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is so my father. HE'S the one who has to sleep elsewhere now, and my mother gets the bed all to herself! But, I remember when I still lived with them, the whole morning routine of noises...add whistling to that, and you've completed the picture.

    Am LOVING the Stomp idea! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh shit! I hate those man noises! I want to live in my pretty, flowery perfume world and pretend those things don't exist! LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  8. And here I thought MY husband was the noisest person on earth!

    ReplyDelete
  9. My hubby makes quite a few noises too, but my FIL is way worse... it cracks me up.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Too funny! My hubby snores sometimes, but for the most part he's pretty quiet. He gets up a lot earlier than me, so I am very grateful for that!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I take it your husband doesn't read this blog! But yes, I have heard all of those noises - many, many times.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hubs finally came down with the germies that the rest of us have been fighting, so he has now turned into a snorer.

    I. Feel. For. You.

    If this was the norm, I'd be joining you on your couch.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh my gosh - this is one of the funniest posts I've read! Hysterical! Other than snoring (and even that is pretty mild), my husband is VERY quiet. THANK GOODNESS!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. OMG..I used to date a guy who hand sinus problems, had to sleep with the TV on, was an insomniac, and tossed and turned all night long due to a sports injury to his back.

    However, HE slept on the couch.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Mine is a quiet showerer but a loud sleeper! I've moved to the couch many times too! And don't even get me started on him brushing his teeth--I need to be out of the house for that!

    ReplyDelete
  16. My husband is pretty quiet most of the time, but when he's on his back, he snores LOUDLY. I try to prod him, but no luck. I get up for work at 4:45, so if he wakes me up I'm PISSED! He blows his nose in the shower, too. Eeewwww!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Well, at least he does all his 'gross' stuff in the shower. My husband wants to do it in front of me. He'll rip one and immediately look at me for approval. What in the heck?!@#

    ReplyDelete
  18. Oh my goodness, I just posted on this same issue... you have to read it, although I don't think your husband compares to mine... http://www.ayummymommy.com/2009/01/carry-with-you-atmosphere-of-quiet.html

    ReplyDelete
  19. I thought it might just be my husband. I call him THE LOUD MAN. He pees loud, he gets into bed loud, walks loud, sleeps loud, and in general is just LOUD. Good to know I'm not alone:)

    ReplyDelete