Sunday, January 18, 2009

An ode to my clients

For anyone new to my blog, I am a licensed massage therapist and have, briefly, written about my clients (no names, of course) in the past. Today is another one of those days. I have been picking up extra hours at work since I have had some extra time, I would like to help replenish the cash we spent on food for parties and guests and Christmas gifts in December, and the gift card recipients are filling our massage therapy clinic this month! This will be less than poetic, but I wanted to share my thoughts about my clients.
  1. I love that you think I know all the answers. I studied under medical doctors, I participated in two cadaver studies, I worked with teenagers who were in a drug rehab facility and I am licensed by the Ohio Medical board. I think just the fact that I have an Ohio Medical Board license, the same board that gives doctor's the right to practice in Ohio, gives me clout with my clients that I don't deserve. The truth is, I don't know why your joints hurt, I can't prescribe you meds for that lower back pain and I don't know how to perform surgery.
  2. I don't know the exact causes or cures for irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, infertility, or obsessive compulsive behavior. I wish I did and I am flattered that you think I know the answers to these questions, and so many more, medical issues. I am not a diagnostician nor am I researcher who is trying to find the answers. I can give you suggestions and my opinions, but I will often just suggest you follow up with your doctor. I promise though, that if I see a mole that looks suspicious, I will let you know.
  3. I love that you think because I have "therapist" in my title, that I am a psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor and you share your stories, worries and concerns with me. I am sorry I don't have solutions to offer, but I will continue to listen as long as you continue to talk.
  4. I am entertained when you say things like "I want a deep tissue massage," "You can't use too much pressure on me," and "Work as deep as you can" and then you moan and squirm and I have to peel you off the ceiling because "that hurts." Deep tissue massage is not relaxing. It hurts. And you will probably feel bad the next day. And I appreciate your willingness to tough it out when it's necessary. And I apologize if I make you cry.
  5. I love having what we refer to as "massage virgins." These are the people who have NEVER had a massage before. They typically come in because someone gave them a gift certificate, but other times it's college kids coming in together or a regular brings in a loved one. They are the best. There is nothing for them to compare to. They either like it or they don't. I really loved it the time I had a college girl come in for her "first time." I gave her the usual speech, including "disrobe to your comfort level." I think I should have empahsised the fact that she would remain draped the entire time, because not only did she leave her bra on, which is no big deal but is not overly common, but she left on her pants and socks.
  6. There are those clients who leave their eyes open during the entire massage, or at least when they are on their back and I can see their eyes. It freaks me out. Do they not trust me? Aren't they able to relax? Do they sleep with your eyes open? What's the deal? Bleh.
  7. I had a client who came in with his wife. He was a massage virgin, too. He wanted only his feet massaged. For an hour. So that's what I did. I massaged his feet and managed to squeeze in a calf massage, too, for one hour. It was one of the easiest massages ever. I got to sit down the whole time and thankfully, he had good feet. No calluses, gack, toe jam or fuzz.

That is my ode to my clients. Some day, I will write funny stories from when I was a Human Resources Manager. NOW those are some crazy stories. I got the biggest kick out of interviewing people, because let me tell you, you hear some bizarre things during interviews. And then our employees. Holy crap, I kept pestering the president and CEO to send me to med school so I could be an MD with a specialty in psychiatry because I spent a lot of time counseling our staff! And there were several who needed medication, in my humble opinion! Thank goodness for a door to close and a window with blinds to close so people walking by couldn't see us in my office while the employee was having a meltdown.


  1. i didn't realize we were allowed to request "feet only" massages. i could have my legs/feet massaged for an hour, for sure!

    i would be creeped out by the open eyes, too. do they make eye contact with you??

    did you quit your hr job and THEN train as a massage therapist, or have you had the training all along and just never used it?

  2. Yes, you can request specific areas to be massaged either for the entire time or most of the time.

    No, they don't make eye contact. That would really freak me out!

    I put in a link after I recieved your comment for those who don't know the story.

  3. Ha!! Love the ode. You should write a book about funny client and HR stories! I bet nobody has done that before. It can be the go-to-guide for people before interviewing with HR.

  4. I'll play like a massage virgin if I can have a massage. You just flung a craving on me. Thanks for that. We have a massage therapist in Midland that ROCKS.

    I think I'll book one soon. I miss having massages!

  5. If I had 10 seconds of a foot massage, I'd be the one on the ceiling, for I'd be so ticklish I'd be crazed!

    I wrote about my first massage experience about a year ago. OMG, I loved it SO much. Honestly, I dozed off within minutes of the lady starting her work. It was 90 minutes of bliss, and she had to gently wake me up (when my quiet, catlike purrs - heh- didn't wake me up!) when it was all over.

  6. Now I feel like getting a massage. I feel a little more relaxed just thinking about it.

    And why on earth would you think leaving your pants and socks on was normal?

  7. Love the post. I so want a massage now, it's been a while. I hate it when I go in for anything-massage, wax, nails, and the person talks to me and keeps talking. I just want to relax, get my massage, or whatever I'm there for. I think I'm the perfect client. I don't want chit chat. Just let me be!

  8. Why would anyone getting a massage want to chat? "I'm pretty much naked here, so let's be best buds." WTF?

  9. You are just LOADED with blog content, aren't you. I love it! End of the semester (now) means that each of my two kids get a massage (at the massage school) for their straight A's. I think I'll get one, too, and think of you (and laugh) while I'm getting it.