Wednesday, November 12, 2008
What kinds of things do you think about when you can't sleep? I used to have terrible bouts of insomnia. Several times a week I would find myself awake for hours. Late this summer, my doctor diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Honestly, I had never heard of this before, but was glad to have a reason and a resolution to my obsessive middle of the night worrying. It wouldn't have been so bad if I had been worrying about stuff that I could address and get control of. But I wasn't. I would lie awake at night worrying about disease and death and my kids. About why and how people can be racist and prejudice and the awful results of those hateful feelings. I worried about violence that results from so much hate and anger within oneself and against others. Is allowing two men or two women, who are in love, get married really going to cause the sanctity and security of your own marriage to crack and crumble? If so, you may want to re-evaluate the bonds of your own marriage and stop worrying about others. And what about this awful war? Why can't we all just get along? Why can't people within neighborhoods, cities, states, nations and with other nations realize that we have more similarities than we do differences? We just want to be happy, love our friends and families, be secure in our lives and have a positive impact on this world. Don't we all want that? These are the things I worried about prior to my diagnosis. Now, with a nice dose of Lexapro, I tend to get more rest. I still think about these things when I wake up in the night. But thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, I will have these thoughts and then I think "yeah, society is still fucked up and it sucks" or if I start thinking about something bad happening to my husband or kids, I think, "yep, that would be really bad" and I tend to roll over and go back to sleep. It's nice to have the edge "taken off." And not to make light of all of the terrible things that I no longer obsess over, but last night I couldn't sleep. Our hotel is very quiet and it was really bugging me. You know what I thought about the whole time I was awake - "what am I going to blog about next?" It was a welcome relief to worry over something that was not only frivolous, but something that I had complete control over! I guess for the next bout of insomnia I will have to find something else to worry about.