Monday, November 17, 2008

How to get your ass kicked and other fashionable ideas

A JC Penney catalog from 1977 – the high point in world of men's fashions.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And… way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This 'all purpose jumpsuit' is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's slightly more effective as a deterrent against…

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob 'No-pants' Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:

He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day

Dear God in Heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun. (And on a side note, I worked with a guy who I SWEAR wore this exact suit to work EVERY year on St. Patrick's Day! Oh, but his was a little darker green.)

Those italicized words are my very own. The rest of this post came to me in the form of an e-mail. There are even a few more pictures, like these:

I think she's checking out his package! And laughing about it.

Come on all of you 40 and older crowd. You know you so remember yourself, older siblings, or heaven forbid, your PARENTS dressing like these fashion divas!


  1. Hilarious! I'm holding on to my current JCP catalog for a blog post in 30 years!

  2. Those are some truly handsome clothes. Even the women's wear! The green(ish) is glorious! Heh!