Tuesday, November 25, 2008

How to be a good massage therapy client.

After spending six+ years in Human Resources Management, I left the corporate world to be able to focus on my family, my then 1 year old son. I did want to work some, but in a career that gave me total control over my schedule, which was impossible in my HR career. I also wanted a job that resulted in people leaving my presence feeling well instead of leaving the building with a box of their desk belongings and crying because now they didn't know how they were going to feed their family. The other managers playfully called me the Terminator because our company was frequently letting people go and I was the one to do the job. The employess would shake in their chairs whenever I walked through the office with a box. Though it was entertaining at times because I got to fuck with a lot people's minds, it was not the persona I wanted to have.

In 1998 I entered a one year full time massagy therapy school and in 1999, I took and passed the Ohio Medical Board exam, just two weeks before having baby #2. (Thank goodness the test was proctered by doctors, who were very in tune with my condition and catered to me very nicely in an otherwise very strict environment!)

Fast forward to today. I work 3-6 hours a week in a massage therapy clinic, more if I want to, which is nice! Here are some tips for being a good massage therapy client:
  1. Women, do not apologize for your unshaven legs. I have seen the harriest of the harry legs and pits and it's really not a big deal.
  2. Please brush all sock fuzz off of your feet and out from between your toes. Yuck.
  3. If you wear a hairpiece, please tell your therapist during the medical history review.
  4. If you have a mole or moles the size of Mt. Kilamanjaro, please have them surgically removed prior to seeking massage therapy.
  5. If you have gross, disgusting feet, athlete's foot, toenails with fungal infections, etc. ask your therapist NOT to massage your feet. Suck it up and know it's in your best interest to not have your massage therapist rub all over your feet and then rub that nastiness over other parts of your body. Yes, I squirt my hands with Purell after doing the feet, but there are some things even the strongest anti-bacterial gel can't kill. If I notice gross disgusting feet, I may just skip over them. Save us both the embarassment and request a foot massage exemption.
  6. Men, when your massage starts with you on your back, pull up the sheet/blankets so your nipples are not exposed. I do not want to see them. This is not the place to be showing off your man boobs.
  7. Men, do not ask for a happy ending or any other supplemental service. Don't even HINT about it. The result will be you will not so politely be dismissed from the building. Remember, I used to be referred to as the Terminator. This, too, goes for any woman who might think she can get extra services. You can't.
  8. Men, in addition to not asking for additional services, please do not service yourself during the massage or in the treatment room after the massage.
  9. If you are coming for lower back treatment, do NOT wear granny panties. I will NOT massage under the waste band of your undies and I can't really get to your lower back if your undies are uppy. To your shoulder blades. I can massage over the undies, but not under the undies, and I can tell you, over the undies is not nearly as effective as under the undies. Since I won't go under the undies, maybe try no undies, bikini undies or thong undies so your lower back is exposed.
  10. Everyone, don't forget to take your undies with you when you leave.

Further suggestions will be given upon request.


  1. Love it! So funny. I'm glad to know hairy legs aren't the worst thing you've seen.

  2. I'm one of those fools that likes to think the massage therapist is all into the massage and not thinking of much else except making sure I'm all relaxed. I mean, in my brain I knew that wasn't true but my heart wanted to believe it. You've now confirmed what my brain has always thought....

  3. Blogging Under the InfluenceNovember 25, 2008 at 6:48 PM

    Lee, I promise as long as you don't fall into one of the above ten items, my main focus is YOU. So it's ok to follow your heart and relax. :)

  4. Here's a question: I'm told that if you don't wear undies, it's telling the massage therapist that you would welcome having your glutes massaged. I did this once and got the greatest massage EVER (from a guy). One other time, the woman just stuck with the usual massage, as if I was wearing underwear. Your thoughts on this?

  5. Blogging Under the InfluenceNovember 25, 2008 at 10:49 PM

    I do consider undies to be the client's way of saying "don't go there". As for the glutes, I typically don't do them unless there are physical indications that it's needed (lower back pain is a strong indicator for glutes and hip work), but I ask first. Sometimes the client will tell you up front they want their glutes and hips massaged, which is always nice to have that feedback. I have massaged naked glutes and also glutes through a sheet and/or undies. To make a long explanation short, you could tell your therapist up front that you would like some glutes work during the massage! And with that, I am now going to ask around work and ask what others do! I'll get back to you if I hear anything different than what I have already said.